Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
