Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
