my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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