you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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