first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
