Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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