Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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