I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
