Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
