dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
