Your face is a jimmy john
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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