I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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