If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I have aggressive nipples.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
