I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
