If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
