I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Randomize
