He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
