DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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