I hate all girls vehemently.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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