You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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