Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
