Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
