Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
