i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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