Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
