she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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