hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
