I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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