Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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