I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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