Betty ford says i'm here all night
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
