I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Randomize
