dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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