Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize