I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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