if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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