RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
