I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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