Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
