Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
