i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
