Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
