if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize