When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
