I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
