She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
