I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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