Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
