Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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