Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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