I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
