If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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