My nipple is on Facebook.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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