You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize