My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize