He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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