I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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