why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
