this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
