So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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