she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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