her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The best revenge is premature balding
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Semen is not good for contacts.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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