i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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