Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
