Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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