Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
