When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize