I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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