I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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