thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
