The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
