im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Vodka?
Forever.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
