Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
