I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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