Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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