she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
