Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
