I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
