Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I look better un-naked...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
