I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
