the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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