Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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