I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You made out with two different species that night
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Randomize
