Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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