a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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